Un-bless love

“When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would say…”. I looked into my phone, is a +041 number, I was so happy and picked up the call. We stay connected through call since I came back from Switzerland. We talked for a little while and he told me something made me almost fainted during that call…

It was 3rd of March 2010, it is your birthday, we met up in Zurich station and went around the city, had a meal by the lake side restaurant. You told me this was the happiest birthday you ever had. And you thank me for celebrating with you. It was my pleasure to spent time with you. Your green grey eyes, your reddish nose, your sunshine smile, your dark brown hair, your big hand and your big dark green overcoat, I still clearly remember everything on you that day. And highlight of the day was the moment you told me “I think I fall in love with you.”

That’s the beginning of the complicated affair. Happiness, sadness, tears, laughter, everything started from that moment. Happiness filled the atmosphere for the first week. The oxytocin in my body increased each day after that. I can laugh without any reason. I laugh even when I was watching a sad movie. That’s the effect of oxytocin. That’s why there is a saying where love is a magic spell that cured all kind of sickness. I finally knew that feeling since that moment.

We live one hour apart from each other. Since you are busy with your work, I made my effort to meet you at your city every weekend. We went around the city everytime we met. We told each other our problem and at the end of the day, that’s the saddest moment because we will only meet us on another week.

In a glance, was already three months. I went there for a student exchange program that only last for five months. You decided to leave your city and spent more time with me. You moved to my house. It was a tiny, squared room with simple furniture inside. Since then, we went everywhere together. Your working time is flexible so when I have school, you able to sent me to school and when I finished school, you will picked me back from school and we will shopped food for our dinner. Our little room is located in the city center, so after we had our shopping, we walked back to home and cook. That’s the happiest moment in my life and you told me it was yours too.

Happiness always ends faster than sadness. Six weeks past, is time for me to go back to Malaysia. The night before I left, we cried a lot. The time when we were in Zurich airport, we cried a lot. Suddenly, that was my saddest moment. And somehow in my heart, I knew that might be the last time we were so closed to each other. I wanted to think positively but I just had the feeling that you will slip away.

It’s been two months I back in Malaysia. We are still fine. Finally, this call came. He said in the phone : “I made a new tattoo. Is my daughter’s name. She lives in Thailand now.” At that moment, my feeling was I hit by the thunder, I cried so hard because I can’t believe it. I non-stop asking him, why? Why? Why? He is only one year older than me, I can’t believe that. I told my mom about this incident, and she comforted me. We broke up. I felt so hurt and so sad. It is too dramatic for me. But, I have to accept it.

How good if I were a boy? I asked myself everyday. If I were a boy, I definitely won’t let my girl fall and won’t let her tears. I will listen to her everyday and be by her side every moment she needs me. No matter how, I have to come back reality and accept the fact that I am a girl. And at the same time, accept the fact that, guy will never understand girl and never know that he hurt her.

Lyric link : http://www.metrolyrics.com/if-i-were-a-boy-lyrics-beyonce-knowles.html

Looking back on 2010 (Part 1)

Another year is already here
2011, a new start, everything seems going quite well until now at least.
Starting this year with a bowl of half-cooked tomato rice bought from cafeteria.
But still, is a good beginning cause at least i still have food to eat.

Looking back 2010, is a really wonderful year for me
a year that full of experience, an exciting year
I am so lucky that i got scholarship from USM to participate in student exchange program.
I still clearly remember, on 5/2/2010, my flight was in the middle of the night around 2.15am.
Whole family sent me to the airport in the middle of the night.
Of course my parents was worried cause this is the first time i go oversea and by myself (i mean without family) and i have to be there for around 5 months+ without coming home.

I am really lucky cause my best friend and I got to go together :) and we were taking the same flight, so is not so scary for me on that day plus i was quite excited.
After 14 hours, finally i reached a place that covered with white.
It was snow, we were so excited cause we never see snow before. It was our very first time.

Someone (Buddy) from school took us from the "Zurich Flughafen", then fetched us back to St.Gallen. A small town that our school located. I was so excited along the way because that was first time in my life i saw snow everywhere, though it is not snowing that time.

After that, they brought my friend back to the room that she already rented online before she was there. I was so scared that time because i don't have any room. I thought i could stayed with my friend at her place for one or two nights, but things was never like I thought. The landlord don't allowed me to do so. I was so worry.

If it is not okay, it is not the end. So, I called up a friend of mine in Switzerland. I am so lucky that i knew her when she came exchange in Malaysia. She said she able to provide me accommodation for short period until i got to rent a room by myself. I felt more relief after that.

We walked around in the city center while waiting for my friend to pick me up. She stayed in a very small town that is quite far from St.Gallen. She took train to pick me up in St.Gallen. I was so relief the time i saw her. She brought me home and her mom was very nice to me. She let me stayed in her room and she stayed at her sister room. Her mom, her and me had dinner in the night together.

I was scared in the night because everything was so strange for me. I never been there before and it was a cold cold night. I don't have good sleep in the first night. Because i was still worried that i can't get a room and i still don't feel comfortable in the place. Snow covered all the roof and covered the ground. Was a very nice scenery.

Second morning, i woke up, i walked down and i saw her mom. And it was snowing. Is amazing. That was the first time to see snow. My friend woke up after that and open the door to let me feel the snow our there. I was so happy and excited. And everything seems so amazing for me.

Imagine that i sat in the dining room, having breakfast and i could see through the slide door that outside is snowing. So, Swiss typical breakfast was Bread, cheese, jam and a cup of tea or coffee. The bread is different than our bread in Malaysia, it is very hard outside and soft inside. I don't really like the cheese there because of the smell.

I go online everyday to look room for rent. I got a rpom after a day or 2 i search online. So, my friend from Malaysia accompanied me to the room to take a look to see whether is it a suitable place to stay. It was a good place and quite near to school with internet access and is furnished. I got to know few friends there. One of my housemate were from Hong Kong. And another is a swiss girl.

So, i went to school orientation for the first week, and school arranged some program for the exchange students to know each other. There are people from south korea, japan, thailand, poland, holand, lithuania, slovakia, greek, USA and mexico. So, for a week time, we knew each other and we mingle well.

Well, no matter how, I can see that Asia will always go with Asia, European stick to European, thats the phenomena when i was there, maybe that is due to culture?

I am writing too long for this post, guess i should stop here.
The story.... to be continued.... :)

in the middle of the night

i woke up in the middle of the night
the first thing i will want to see is my phone
to see whether any new message from you

and i was disappointed every night
Everyone saying that i am too attached?
i thought u like it?
When we were in the same place, u like it
but now we were apart, you don't like it anymore?

I was hoping i will see u on Christmas
will it come true?
What are u doing now? This is the question in my mind all the time

I see you in my dreams
That's why i never wanna wake up in the morning
Cos i know u were not here when i wake up

Blue blue blue

today is my blue day!
everything seems so blue to me.
walking in a crowded fun park with a lonely heart
sitting in a crowded restaurant with a lonely heart
how good if i am a billionaire?
i think if i am a billionaire now, i could buy my happiness
how good if everything go on my way?
i will not be blue now

Its been long time

Its been long time i didn't update my blog
really long long time ago
since i went to Switzerland
i didn't update it.. :)

I was having too fun time there.
Miss there so much.
Now, back to Malaysia, problems came, that's why i am here to drop a word or two.

just felt that things never go smooth since i came back
Or maybe should say i didn't view things in another view
I felt everything is so unsure now
i know i am selfish cos i never stand on his situation to think
and i am selfish because i just thinking of myself
i only know how to give pressure
but does he know that i also having pressure now, that's why i ask every time?

I am also suffering
why i am not rich? IF i am, then i need not to think so much and take a flight and i will reach there again in a day.
i know his condition now is not so good as well, but i really want to see him so so much.
I miss so much the days i spent with him.
I miss so much the little room where we used to laugh, cry, crazy, shout, angry and all kind..
Now, because of distance, problems can't be solve so easily
I really in fear and worry now
Because i have too many unsure in my heart..
I felt so insecure you know? Nils..
Can you give me an answer and show me your confident that you can do it?
I am also having hard time here..

I hate waiting, i hate missing
Will i see him again?
this is the questions in my mind now..
I wish Santa brings me a present this year...

Mid valley- 26/1/2010

i went to mid valley yesterday
saw few things that i would like to bring up here:
1. Tooth Fairy: I wanna watch some non-comedy movie initially, but i didn't found any good one, so decided to watch "Tooth Fairy". i thought it will be a boring and typical comedy but it turn out to be quite interesting, thou is still comedy, but interesting and really funny one. Actually is comedy + fantasy + love. i usually don't watch comedy in cinema cos i think it is waste of money but i change my thought yesterday, comedy might turn out to be good movie sometime when you are not really in a good mood. (argued at the beginning, sorry, i am really sorry about my stupid emotional act.)

2. After the movie, went to shopping, wanna find a pair of shoes. So, as i am finding, we went to the gardens. all branded shop, and yea, can't find what i want there. At XX cafe in The garden, i saw 3 monks hi-tea-ing there. There are a lot of cheaper places for them to have coffee and tea, but they choose an expensive one. isn't that is not right? they get money from public through the temple, they using public money to enjoy themselves. Just like there are a lot of RICH monk out there actually. What you think?

3. We went back to home by KTM. not really crowded in KTM that time because it is already quite late. So, as we are talking, we saw someone (a woman) getting money from the passenger, (she can talks in 3 languages and only one eye is blind) she still have the ability to work. after a while, she walk to me and ask: "Ms. Do you have...?" i immediately said i don't have anything. Then she said angrily: "i just want to ask you what time is it now? what don't have don't have? u think i am beggar. i saw your face also know you are stingy." i was angry. and he calm me down. she is clearly a beggar, and nobody ask "Do u have..?" when the person is asking about time. i was really angry and F***, i scolded by a beggar and she said i am stingy. FML

luckily everything ended up quite well, but i am kinda sad because i am leaving Malaysia soon, but i know i will be enjoying there. Europe, here i come!!

=.=

haha. i guess most of the ppl misunderstood my previous post is about love.
it is about a friend. about friendship. :)
i also misunderstand it when i read it again after i posted :P